"Many people tell me my soul's music sounds wonderful. I smile. And nod. I don't think they know it's coming from the wind dancing through and around my missing pieces. It's beautiful how pain can sound like a melody. But feel like agony. "
I've had to let go of a lot of things in my life.
Some, I still carry. In a somewhat heavy knapsack on my shoulders.
A lot of things have been painful - so incredibly painful.
I think by far, one of the biggest pains is saying goodbye to something.
Since I was a little girl I've had a tremendously hard time with the word "goodbye". The idea of it wells my eyes with tears. It always has.
I know this has much to do with the abandonment I felt and experienced.
But deeper than that - I felt I knew and understood its weight even at a young age.
It can hurt to let go. To let go of someone - worst of all.
They say, it's all a reframe of mind. It's all just in how you look at it.
Sometimes I truly beg to differ.
One of the greatest pains I have ever experienced - the hardest goodbye - is to say goodbye to someone who continues to live on this planet. With you. Out there.
It's a gaping hole - that burns everyday, inside of you.
It's like a Groundhog's day in your heart.
It absolutely and utterly sucks.
I don't know about anyone else, but I personally didn't feel prepared for half the shit I've experienced in my life - this thing, most of all.
No one tells you that you need to go on living with pain. With loss. With people living out there, you living out here. Everyday - you have to move forward. No matter what.
And that fucking sucks too.
Not having control sucks.
Pain sucks.
Loss sucks.
Constantly doing hard things sucks.
Committing to growth and the work sucks.
At its core - it all sucks. With glorious intertwines of "wow, this is so beautiful."
Loss is a hole.
Let's not call it anything else.
It's a hole that never closes over again.
It's just one you walk forward with.
And some days the wind makes it feel like the equivalent of brain freeze in your chest.
And some days you're debilitated. And you cry at every. god damn. turn.
And your bed is the furthest you can stretch any part of your existence.
It's all so painful, this thing called life.
Yeah, it's wonderful. It is. Totally. And it's etched and sewn with gratitude and magic and wonder.
But it's also incredibly painful.
If you're living in it and not just existing in it - that is.
It's interesting how life is for the living - but can sometimes feel like one death after another inside.
I just don't want to act like I'm not the human equivalent of swiss cheese anymore - Y'know?
I've got a lot of holes.
Many people tell me my soul's music sounds wonderful. I smile. And nod.
I don't think they know it's coming from the wind dancing through and around my missing pieces.
It's beautiful how pain can sound like a melody.
But feel like agony.
It's funny like that.
I guess we all have holes.
Big, small, square, round, some with particles or debris still in them, some still healing, some scarred over...
But today, I'm here for just one hole.
And that's the hole that is caused by having to let go of someone - a someone who is incredibly special to you. One you love. And have to let go of anyway.
You're not alone.
I have the hole too.
And if today, you're just trying to breathe and find your footing just a little.
Know that it's okay to let go - and crumble and not try to patch up that hole.
Let it air out. Even though it stings like a mother.
Let it be.
If for no other reason other than all things need air to heal - even when they sting.
Especially if they sting.
It's okay to have this hole.
It's okay to not know what to do about it.
It's okay that you didn't feel it yesterday.
It's okay that it's all you can feel today.
It's okay.
I don't know why this person isn't in your life anymore.
I don't know why you had to put them down.
But I do know it takes incredible strength to pull your shoulders back, and walk forward with shaky feet.
To love something with every ounce of your heart.
To have every song, every life event, everytime you laugh or smell a scent...
Every hope, memory, thought..
Remind you of them. And to keep walking anyway.
Your pain is valid.
And your strength? Maybe it's a badge of honour. But today? It's okay that it feels like a heavy trophy you want to take out of your bag, and lob into the river.
It's okay.
You're not alone.
Let me talk to your empty space for a minute...
Hey there, airy space. Looks like you used to have something here, hay?
Something used to be here, right? I bet it was beautiful. And hard. And heavy. And wonderful.
Maybe you could tell me about it, and I could just listen - would that be okay?
I think it's important to honour what was here, I bet that it mattered a lot.
I bet that it mattered a lot to you.
I know you're a hole right now. And I know it feels like you'll just be a space forever.
I know it's painful to think you'll fill in.
I know you can't see the road ahead...
But I just want you to know I believe in you. And what you were. And what you will be.
You're not just a hole. You were a something. You were an experience. A moment. Many moments. And this life? That's what it's made of.
You mattered.
You matter.
Let me sit down and you can tell me all the stories you have to share.
And I'll just stay here and listen, until you're all done.
And maybe I'll come back tomorrow if you feel you still want to share your story.
And maybe we can do this thing together.
How does that sound?
*a soft whisper of wind*
Today, I'm speaking on behalf of the hole's.
Just being their voice,
And ultimately they say
"I know. I am present. I am here."
And maybe that's enough. Because not every hole can be filled. And not every hole should. Maybe, maybe I'll just transcend.... Yeah, I think I'll do that. Swiss cheese being,
It's time for me to be the wind.
I'll see you soon.
Right now, I just need to fly.
I just need to float.
It won't solve everything, it won't make anything go away.
But I think getting more in touch with the thing that causes the sting,
Is the best I can do.
Just for today.
It's the best I can do.
I'll see you soon.
Love,
Me.
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